Paddy is driving down the motorway, when his mobile phone suddenly rings.
He answers the call and hears his wife on the phone, "Paddy" she cried, "I've just heard a traffic report on the wireless, there's some idiot driving the wrong way down the motorway, be careful."
Paddy replied, "It's not just one, there's bloody loads of them!"
 

A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, he slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please?" she
began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F***
you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
 

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever xperienced.  When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,"but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you. I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar.'  But the breakfast was my idea.
 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts  the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open  mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator  hard on
the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone  $100 who's willing to give it a try".  A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the  back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting  here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered,"What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the  table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My  nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!
 

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to hear that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy.  What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 for a handjob.  We can negotiate from there."
"$100!!  For a handjob?  Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience
he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his whole life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was.  Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500."
"$500?!  C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out at a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed.  He nearly faints- twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best!  Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw,  c'mon!  You can't mean that!"
 She nods her head. "You bet.  If I had a pussy, I'd own that island."