I Was Nixon's Plumber (or How I Cleaned the White House Toilets and Saved America) - Sherwood Ross

    I was a humble plumber
    My friends just call me Jake
    I reamed the White House toilets
    With my plunger and my snake
    By luck I learned some awful truths
    As I performed my chores
    Now I'm rich and famous
    Since I published my memoirs

    Read I Was Nixon's Plumber
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    How I unstopped his toilet bowl
    And what I found inside
    It's the in-depth book on Watergage
    The truth they could not hide
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    One day Nixon called me in
    Phew! What a mess and stink
    His toilet bowl was backing up
    To say nothing of his sink
    I need an expert plumber
    You must unclog the drain
    If I don't flush these papers
    There'll be all hell to explain

    While he brooded in his office
    I quickly fished them out
    My eyeballs began to pop
    I bottled up my shout
    I stuffed those papers in my bag
    I took them home to toast
    When I dried out the contents
    I knew I had to call The Post

    [Repeat Chorus]

    On the day he bust into the john
    I knew the jig was up
    He saw I wasn't flushing
    And I had exposed his toilet's coverup
    He cried, "You, my plumber!
    You read every word I wrote."
    "Ha ha!" I jeered
    "Just as you feared
    Jake's the real Deep Throat!"

    Before he could call his guard in
    I held high my plumber's snake
    I waggled it before his eyes
    Now you'll do everything by Jake
    I turned his mind into a blank
    When you wake, I said, you'll quit
    And that's how I saved America
    That's the whole damn truth, no shit!

    © 1983 by Sherwood Ross


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