Well I go to pet your monkey, I get a face full of claws
I ask, "who's in the fireplace?" and you tell me, "Santa Clause"
The milkman comes in, he's wearing a derby hat
And you ask me why I don't live here, Honey, how come you have to ask me that?

Well I ask for something to eat, I'm hungry as a hog
So I get brown rice, sea weed, and a dirty hot dog
I got a hole where my stomach disappeared
And you ask me why I don't live here, Honey, I got to think you're really weird.

Your grampa's cane, it turns into a sword
Your gramma prays to pictures that are pasted on a board
Everything inside my pockets, your uncle steals
And you ask me why I don't live here, Honey, I can't believe that you're for real.

Well there's fistfights in the kitchen bad enough to make me cry
The mailman comes in, even he's got to take a side
Even the butler, he's got something to prove
And you ask me why I don't live here, Honey, how come you don't move?